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40k jokes. vil opdateres naar jeg finder flere.

jens watson

d. 20. jul. 2011 kl. 23:34

The Emperor appears in a vision to Mephisto, Ragnar Blackmane and Marneus Calgar, and says that he can answer any one question about the future accurately for each of them.

So Mephisto asks him when the Blood Angels will finally be able to fix the Black Rage, and Emperor tells him in the three hundredth year of the 43rd millennium. Mephisto burst into tears, as he knows he´s never going to live that long.

So Ragnar Blackmane comes up, and asks the emperor when Leman Russ will return to the Chapter for the Wolftime, and the Emperor tells him that Russ will be back by the year 503 in the 45th millennium. Ragnar busts into tears as he also realizes that he will never live that long.

Then Marneus Calgar asks the Emperor when the Imperium will be free of corruption and run in an efficient and fair manner.

At which point, the Emperor burst into tears.

jens watson

d. 20. aug. 2011 kl. 01:35

After months of training and surgery, a new batch of Space Wolf Neophytes are almost ready to be given the black Carapace and join the Blood Claws. They´re all lined up, and an old Wolf Priest brings out a short, fat syringe and address them. "Listen up boys. I know there are a lot of jokes and rumors about the canis gene, and how we deal with it, but all kidding aside, there is one thing we must do before you can become full Space Wolves. Its time to give you all your rabies shot."

One of the neophytes nervously raises his hand, and asks, "but sir, isn´t the rabies shot usually a long thin needle?"

"Well, sure, if you want to prevent rabies!"

jens watson

d. 25. aug. 2011 kl. 03:18

A Catachan colonel was being briefed on a covert mission.

The general informed him of the extensive AA coverage and radar sweeps. "Your Valkyries will have to fly 200 feet to avoid detection and you´ll jump half a click from the target."

The colonel shook his head. "The Valkyries will have to fly at 100 feet."

Confused, the general said, "At 100 feet the gravchutes may not have time to kick in."

The colonel perked up. "Oh, we get gravchutes?"

jens watson

d. 20. sep. 2011 kl. 04:20

A young Blood Claw of the Space Wolves is captured by Chaos forces, but they have already sacrificed every Imperial guardsman they needed to, so they decide to laugh a little. They tell him that if he succeeds in three trials, he will be free to go. The first trial consists of drinking a whole barrel of denatured alcohol, but they don´t know that the young one is from Fenris, where they pee far away from the bonfires cause its flammable. He downs it in one go and asks for another one. Finally, he burps and asks for the other two trials.
The Chaos Champion, a little pissed off says... "In the next trial, you will have to kill with your bare hands a Carnifex that lives in that cave, and in the last one, you will have to make love to a Sister of Battle maiden till she faints."

They took the Blood Claw to the cave. Some minutes after he disappears into the darkness, some horrible screams start coming out of it. Finally, they stop. Everybody in the front of the cave think the Space Wolf is dead when suddenly, the bloodcurdling howls start again even louder and then stop. Its like this for some time, with so terribly loud noises, that some of the heretics had to pass a morale check to avoid fleeing.

Finally the Space Wolf appears, puffs, and says...

"For Russ! It was hard to make it faint... Now, where the hell is that maiden I have to kill with my bare hands?"

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